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METAPHOR: Infestation at New York Times as Bedbugs Wreak Havoc on Fake Newsroom

It’s about time, God!

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There may be some divine intervention going on at the New York Times headquarters, as their newsroom in Times Square is reportedly infested with bedbugs.

The assistant editor of the Times opinion section, Stuart Thompson confirmed this news on his Twitter account.

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Slate reported earlier today that the following internal email was sent out today at Noon to Times employees in New York:

Dear Colleagues,

During an extermination sweep of the newsroom over the weekend, we discovered evidence of bedbugs in a wellness room (02E4-253) on the second floor, a couch on the third floor and a booth on the fourth floor. These specific areas were then swept by professionals and found to be otherwise clean. In an abundance of caution, the second-floor room has been temporarily closed, the booth has been blocked off and the couch has been removed to be treated and professionally cleaned.

Additionally, evidence of possible bedbug activity was found in a few personal lockers on the third floor. Individuals associated with those lockers have been contacted and treatment is underway.

We continue to monitor the situation and, as a precaution, we intend to sweep all New York Times-occupied floors. We will provide updates as they become available.

If you have any questions, please contact Pat Whelan from Facilities at [redacted].

Building Operations

Immediately after the news broke, people started responding with wise cracks on social media, taking the opportunity to kick the country’s leading fake news rag while it’s down.

While those remarks may be comical, there may be biblical connotations to what is happening to this reviled fake news entity. In Exodus 8:16-19, it is described how God sent gnats to the Egyptians as apart of a plague in order to punish the wicked Pharaoh who refused to free His chosen people.

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Tell Aaron, ‘Stretch out your staff and strike the dust of the ground,’ and throughout the land of Egypt the dust will become gnats.” They did this, and when Aaron stretched out his hand with the staff and struck the dust of the ground, gnats came on people and animals. All the dust throughout the land of Egypt became gnats. But when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not.

Since the gnats were on people and animals everywhere, the magicians said to Pharaoh, “This is the finger of God.” But Pharaoh’s heart was hard and he would not listen, just as the Lord had said.

Perhaps retribution is finally at hand for the Times, whose systematic dishonesty has harmed America and the world at large for generations.

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