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Pestilence Continues to Plague the Fake News, as WaPo Newsroom Has a Roach-Infestation Problem

Bugs are attacking the fake news.

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Just two days after a bedbug infestation was reported at the New York Times headquarters in Times Square, a memo showing that the Washington Post headquarters has a long-standing roach problem was leaked to the public earlier today as mother nature strikes back against the fake news.

“We have a growing pest problem,” newsroom operations director Jillian S. Jarrett wrote in an August 14 memo to newsroom employees. “We’ve gotten several reports of cockroaches in the newsroom.”

Jarrett assured employees that the roaches only have a sustain presence within the fake newsroom, by writing, “Facilities says that this is a newsroom problem and not happening on other floors.”

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Despite constant spraying to rid themselves of the roach infestation, Jarrett claimed that they still “have to do more to keep the bugs at bay.” They urged the dirty reporters to regularly dispose of their trash, put away their dirty dishes, and properly clean up after their food waste.

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“There are Clorox wipes in the copy aide station,” Jarrett wrote. “We have on-call cleaning services, if you need a vacuum or mop, please let me know.”

A follow-up email featured a picture of breaking news reporter Taylor Telford capturing a waterbug in a plastic cup, and a video of Telford flushing it down the toilet to a watery grave, as the critters have apparently become commonplace throughout the newsroom.

The Times was forced to send this embarrassing e-mail to its reporters earlier this week:

Dear Colleagues,

During an extermination sweep of the newsroom over the weekend, we discovered evidence of bedbugs in a wellness room (02E4-253) on the second floor, a couch on the third floor and a booth on the fourth floor. These specific areas were then swept by professionals and found to be otherwise clean. In an abundance of caution, the second-floor room has been temporarily closed, the booth has been blocked off and the couch has been removed to be treated and professionally cleaned.

Additionally, evidence of possible bedbug activity was found in a few personal lockers on the third floor. Individuals associated with those lockers have been contacted and treatment is underway.

We continue to monitor the situation and, as a precaution, we intend to sweep all New York Times-occupied floors. We will provide updates as they become available.

If you have any questions, please contact Pat Whelan from Facilities at [redacted].

Building Operations

Times reporter Bret Stephens became a national laughingstock after he tattled to the boss of a professor who made a joking Twitter comment about the bedbugs being a metaphor for him.

Fake news reporters may just be slovenly individuals who have a hard time cleaning up after themselves, or perhaps there is some divine intervention at work with these infestations. Exodus-style retribution may be at hand for these deceivers at war with America.

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